Friday, October 23, 2009

Long day

I am in quite a mood today, and need to let go of a few things that I just don't have anyone to let them go to, so you guys are stuck being my outlet.

This post will not be funeral-related.

I met a girl at church a while back.  Background about my church experience: I have always gone because it's the right thing to do.  I don't have any sort of attachment to the church other than for social reasons for the most part.  Anyway, this girl, J, was introduced to me by a church member that I know, one who has gone to my church for years and who had said I just had to meet J, as she knew we would hit it off.  Well, she was right, and J and I have become close recently.

Background on J: She's a few years younger than I am.  She started going to my church a couple of years back, and had never been a church person before.  Actually, she was kinda heavy into drugs I guess, and drinking, and dated a few (or more) women, as well as men.  She stopped with the drugs and drinking and the sexing of the ladies a short time after starting to attend my church, and has really been quite the Christian. Now, I'm not really sure about all the "relationship with God" stuff, and I don't think I'm big on denying one's sexual preference, but she knows herself better than I do, and she is very happy with the changes that have taken place.  She had a boyfriend up until about a week ago, and things were fine with him (I'll get to that part later), and she's really just generally awesome.

So, she and I had been texting and having a blast, and one night about a month ago I asked her if she wanted to come over and hang out (my hubby was out at a poker game, and my sister was over).  She said that she'd come by after she dropped her boyfriend off that evening.  Anyway, she got to my place just after my sister left, and we hung out for a couple of hours, in which time her boyfriend texted her asking her where she was.  She told him that she was at my place, and he kinda flipped (to his credit though, she hadn't told him she was coming over and then lied when he asked if she had been planning to come by before she had dropped him off for the night).  So, from his perspective I can totally see what he saw: his girl (whom he knows has an affinity for women(I think)) hanging out at another girl's house (one he has only met once, and who is super milf-y) and lying about the situation, obviously because something shady (his own word) was taking place.  So, I think he told her she wasn't to be my friend anymore.

*cue drama*

She and I were both devastated.  She was angry at herself for lying to him in the first place, and couldn't figure out why she had.  There hadn't been anything going on.  It made no sense.  She was mad at the boyfriend (as was I) for making her hurt me (and I was hurt.  Actually, I cried.  Like a baby.  Not a common thing, fyi).  She was confused (aren't you?) and tired.

About a week of not talking to each other went by and then we started chatting again.  She had told her boyfriend that it just wasn't right (or something), that she wanted to be my friend and that she was mad at him for denying her that opportunity.  I was elated.  She and I had a blast.  We got to have lunches together again, and could talk on the phone, and all the stuff that had been missing.  We've been inseparable.

Then, last week her boyfriend dumped her.  I'm still actually confused by that.  You should see her for one thing, she's absolutely adorable, and he really isn't.  Not that looks should be a basis of a good fit for a couple, but I'm just sayin'.  And the whole break-up went well, at least from my perspective, J said that it just wasn't God's will that they be together.  Very peaceful about it even (from the perspective of someone who isn't actually involved).

So, we still hung out, and chatted all the time, and it's been great.  Until yesterday.  Last night she came over and we talked for a long time on the couch.  I complained about work and stuff, and we laughed and were our normal selves, and she said that we are gonna have to cool it for a while.  She said that she wants to be more than friends, and she can't let herself go there, and all of the hanging out and knowing everything about each other and having a blast was awesome, but couldn't continue.  And instead of doing the 'I want whats best for my friend' thing I sat there and cried.  So here she is, being honest with me, and here I am crying and feeling like I have to be able to do something to fix it all, which I couldn't.  I only cried for a minute though (like it matters, right?) and she said goodbye and left.

My phone has never seemed so silent, and I feel broken and hurt and tired and alone.


a different Anonymous said...

J seems to have a handle on living life on life's terms. The bit about God's will is the tell.
You know that you can talk to us any time. We don't judge

HomeSlice said...

i'm so sorry. my girlfriends are important to me as well - and it hurts when you lose a friend.

Doll Face said...

Thanks. You have no idea how much that does for me.

BJ said...

Doll---you are a great person and the best sister ever. I love you!!