In which it gets (just a little) graphic

I got a call from a funeral home in a town about a half-hour drive from here asking if I could help them out. Apparently they have a case that was in a pretty bad car accident and have heard that I work miracles when it comes to facial rebuilds. Now, this might be tooting my own horn (okay, there’s no “might be” about it) but facial rebuilds are what I live for, and for as often as we see tragic accidents on the tv, they really aren’t that common. Now, I’m not trying to say that doing the hair and make-up of the little old ladies that pass away is not enjoyable, it totally is, but accident victims, come on? It’s the best part of what I do, allowing a family to not realize the trauma that their loved one suffered before death because they cant see the evidence.

In mortuary school I specialized in Restorative Art, and was the best in my class for it (which sorta makes up for the total crap performance I gave in accounting). I even have awards in it, and wish I could have kept the exams we had (exams consisted of being given a type of modeling clay used in the mortuary and a model of a body part (from the neck up, ladies…) and an hour or two, and then being graded on them), as I was very proud of mine. The final in the class was to bring in a photo of someone and re-create their head (using mathematical formulas to determine how big it should be, yay math!) in a week. Then, the really cool part: we got to make death masks out of them, which I had never done. Actually, I’m still waiting for someone to request a death mask of their deceased loved one so I can try it…

Alright, so back to this other funeral home. I wasn’t really sure how they heard of me and so I asked. They told me that Jane, embalmer extraordinaire (whom I think might be the best fluid pusher in the world) told them about me. So, Jane happened to be in the prep room at my funeral home just then (and is now too) so I went back to chat at her. Turns out she really thinks I should go help out over there (and warned me that they aren’t really into having women in their embalming room, which must mean this guy is in bad shape for them to call me, a female and a young one at that) and to remember to bring my dental floss and good needles, as their equipment isn’t that up-to-date.

Then I started thinking: Is my boss going to let me work for another funeral home? So I texted him (he’s on a funeral service and I didn’t want to bug him) and he told me that I should totally do it and that I could leave early if I needed to. You know, this business could be a lot worse, I mean from funeral home to funeral home, but it’s freaking awesome.

The funeral home that I am going to help out emailed me photos and I am super excited. I think I am going to need some wire though, so I have to go to a hardware store first, but I’m like bursting at the seems right now with anticipation. And guess what? Restorative Art is $100 an hour, so while I might miss tae kwon do tonight, I will have a pretty check in my pocket when I leave.

A little about the new gal

Thursdays are funny. The office has staff meetings on Thursday morning. Like every week. I suppose that is a normal thing, but I’ve never been part of a company that did it. And the employees here are hilarious about it. We all sit in a circle and Tank goes through the list of things he wants to cover and we chime in when he is talking about a topic that we were/are/will be involved in. Everybody is very supportive of each others' ideas, and at times I feel like I’m in an afternoon special about mutual respect and teamwork. Today we talked quite a bit about Monica, the new girl that starts on the 22nd of this month.

So, this Monica is someone I’ve never met formally, although I have talked on the phone with her a good number of times, and seen her a few. She currently works for a corporate-owned funeral home just down the street from us, and when Sally quit a few months ago she approached our firm to apply for her position if we decided to fill it. Monica has always been a sweetheart, and she really is gorgeous, and it will be interesting to see how she fits in here. There is only one other woman that works with me full-time (and only one other gal that’s part-time), so it will be kinda fun I think, having someone close to me in age, and with whom I can bitch about not being allowed to wear pants at work (which is a pain in the ass when it comes to moving bodies around all day, not to mention the b.s. that is pantyhose). So, yeah, I think I’m excited.

Another topic: Tonight my daughter has tae kwon do which she loveslovesloves. It is a real gas to watch her class (2 year olds to 5 year olds) and listen to them count in Korean, and respond to the teachers with a “yes sir” or “yes m’am.” She has only been in it for about 3 weeks now, and I’ll tell you what, it sure beats the hell out of ballet class.

Random thoughts

So, one of the things I am working on today when my manager is not in the room is writing up the lyrics to Penny Lane all neat-like for my ex-roommate in New Jersey. She is pregnant right now and is going to call her baby Penny (short for Penelope) and wants the lyrics to the song to give to her hubby for father’s day then hang them in the baby’s room. Back in college for one of her birthdays I wrote the lyrics to You are my Sunshine and framed them for her and she’s always thought that was the best gift and keeps it hung in her bedroom (had I known she was going to like something cheesy like that I wouldn’t have bothered with the necklace from Tiffany’s the year prior). So, I’ve been slowly finishing the Penny Lane song today.

Another phone call that I have to post came through about an hour ago:
Me: You kill ‘em we fill ‘em Funeral Home, this is Doll.
Salesman: Hi Doll, this is Michael from (a company whose name you will promptly forget), can I speak with the owner or controller?
Me: (wtf is a controller?) May I tell him what this is regarding?
Salesman: It’s a matter that needs to be discussed with him; can you please put me through?
Me: If you could just tell me what company you’re from again, please?
Salesman: No, I will not tell you that again, and you ask way too many questions when you should just put me through to the owner or controller. And get me some coffee while you’re at it, it’s your job. *click*

One thing to learn about me: I am horrible with pop culture. When it comes to movies I probably haven’t heard of it, and people in the office love to make references that I totally miss, having not seen anything that isn’t either Finding Nemo or the Flight of the Navigator. So today when Big Bird randomly said, “The plane! The plane!” it totally went over my head (no pun intended) which sucks because she never does anything remotely funny or non-stick-up-my-ass-ish.

Enron

I was having a short conversation with Buffy and Buck this morning about the phone chat I had yesterday with Restaurant Slacker, as Buffy has Tuesdays off and didn’t get to hear all of what happened. So, after Buck and I finished informing him, Buffy began telling us about this dream he had about a girl he had dated back before he was married whom I had never heard about, so I started asking questions. Now, Buffy and Buck are quite the pair, with 30 years age difference and quite different tastes in EVERYTHING, but they somehow always seem to have these fabulous conversations that I swear I wish I could record and post. So, Buffy was reluctant to tell me anything about this girl, which prompted Buck to chime in about how Buf had run off to San Francisco with her and she ended up cheating on him WITH HIS ROOMMATE. Okay, so in normal everyday-ness I wouldn’t think that warrants all caps, I mean, people do shit like that all the time, but Buffy is like a super-nice guy and even the look on him as Buck told me about it made me want to bite this chick in the face. I guess they were a thing for like 5 years or something (which seems like forever).

Here’s something funny that Buck (keep in mind the man is 62) said in describing San Francisco roommate stealer: She was one of those Goss (rhymes with floss) people.
Me: You mean Goth?
Buck: Oh, yeah *chuckles* Goth.
Buffy: No, she wasn’t Goth, Buck (irritated at his misadventures in love being the topic of discussion)
Buck: She was Enron then (speaking slowly, realizing that can’t be the right word)…
Me: Emo, Buck. You mean Emo, right?
Buck: *Laughing* Oh, yeah, EMO!!!
Buffy: Fu*k (reaching in his pocket to get a quarter for the swear jar), Buck, she was a hipster. God.
Buck: What’s a hipster?
Me: Look it up, Buck. Here, let me give you a website.

ANGER!!!!!!!!!!

I wrote this yesterday, but was too pissed to complete it, and was shaking enough to make typing it a bit too slow:

Frack.

So here is a little history: I used to work for a family-owned funeral home a ways (like hours, not like across town) from where I work now. I got a job there just out of mortuary school and it seemed like a nice place to live, so I started working there and liked it a lot. They had an apartment above the mortuary for me, so I had free rent and utilities, and the apartment had a kick-ass patio and its own laundry room. About a year ago I decided to move back “home” and luckily found a job at another family-owned firm, although this one is much bigger in terms of case load. This firm I work at now is awesome, and it’s one of those places that someone either has to retire or die for anyone else to have a shot at a job there, and lucky for me one guy had just quit to join a restaurant and another guy quit to move far away. There were other interviewees but I was breathtakingly awesome and wooed them with my manipulative charm, so of course got the job. Anyway, the guy that left to work in the restaurant business decided after a few months that he wanted to be back in the funeral industry and wanted his job back. Apparently he was a slacker and my boss was happy to be rid of him and said that his position had been filled (and by someone that looks awesome in a skirt suit and heels) and that we weren’t interested in hiring another employee, so he got a job at another funeral home in town. Needless to say, Restaurant Slacker didn’t take too kindly to that and has pretty much hated me for the past year.

This is what happened today: Restaurant Slacker called and Buck answered the phone.
“This is RS. I need to talk to Doll”
Me: I pick up the phone, “this is Doll,” I say in my sweetest, most bubbly voice.
RS: He decides not letting me talk is his best approach, so tells me in a gush of words, “Doll, this is RS. I need to talk to you about a family member of mine that called there earlier. She said she talked to you, so don’t try to tell me that you don’t remember. When someone calls for me I would appreciate you not lying to them and telling them that I work at a restaurant. She is an effing family member!”
Me: Trying not to sound as flustered and I-could-stick-a-pencil-in-your-neck-I’m-so-pissed angry, “you know, RS, this sounds like an issue for you to bring up with my boss. And I’m sure you know that it isn’t our policy to give out past employees’ phone numbers. And just to let you know, she did not identify herself as one of your family members. Why doesn’t one of your family members know that you haven’t worked here in a year, anyway? That doesn’t seem right.”
RS: “I’m tired of the way you act. I can't believe you offered to help my family. That’s just not right.”
Me: “I told you I didn’t know they were your family. And since when does a funeral director not offer to help someone?? You really need to bring this up with my boss; this isn’t an argument I should be having.”

Okay, so it went on and on like that for a little while longer until he hung up on me. And now I am sitting here, shaking like a Polaroid picture, pissed as frack, waiting to go home, where I won’t drink beers because I’m on call tonight.

In which I learn US Geography

I've been paying attention to where the people live that visit this little site and am having the same nightmares that I was having back when I took bonehead geography in college.

(Disclaimer: I am not stupid. I went to school for a degree in chemistry, as well as a degree in natural science (wtf is that used for, you ask? teaching high school science, fyi) and did very well. I also went to mortuary school and got a degree (okay, an associate's degree, which isn't as impressive, but is a degree no less), but am terrible with geography (and English, and history...)).

Anyhoo, until my junior year in college I didn't know any of the states east of the Mississippi River (which I have swam in), save maybe two (Florida and Maine...wait, and Illinois where I saw my first ever firefly). Now, you might be wondering what happened my junior year, so I will tell you: 1. I got a new roommate, and she was from New Jersey, and 2. I took World Geography 101.

The roommate couldn't believe that I didn't know where New Jersey was and bought me a map of the US to hang in my room. Okay, so I learned where New Jersey is.

The geography class was of course world geo, which I am not as bad with, but the teacher, in order to offer us a bit of extra credit (which for some reason I always thought was bs, because if you do the work proper you should be able to pass without it, but even more ridiculous is that I always did the extra credit anyway) would let us fill in all 50 states at the end of our 4 exams that semester. Needless to say, I never got the extra credit, even after actually trying to learn them all.

And all that mess leads me to this map, where I have now located the great state of Virginia (which interestingly is one of the names I had down when I had a baby a few years back. My husband then explained that unless I was giving birth to an 80-year-old it just wasn't going to fly.):

Busy Morning

Ack!

So, my day started out busy, and it’s one of those I-can’t-believe-it-isn’t-noon-yet days where all my work is done in a fast and furious whirlwind and now I have nothing left to do but blog. So, here’s a play-by-play (okay, not really, but close) of my morning:

7:45 dropped off by the hubby at the Starbucks down the street from the office.
7:55 walked into work and before even a “Good Morning,” Big Bird says, “Doll, whenever you have a minute Pete and I have been trying to figure out how to open an obituary attachment on the company email.”
8:00 open previously mentioned email attachment and print it out for BB and Pete.
8:10 visit Jane in the prep room, getting ready to embalm a very large decedent and leave her there to fend for herself while I get ready to meet with the family of said decedent.
8:20 call the previously mentioned family. “Um, hi… Were you planning on coming in this morning? I have down here that you are scheduled to be in at 8…oh you’d rather come in this afternoon? Sure. I’ll go ahead with scheduling the church and everything in the meantime.”
8:30 gown up and join Jane in the prep room.
8:40 manager (Tank) comes in and says, “Doll, when you’re finished here I need to have a little chat with you.” Uh, what? Wtf does that mean?
8:41 Jane says I should go “chat” with Tank now, she's dying to hear what he has to tell me (and she knows I can't keep from telling her anything)
8:42 wander around the funeral home looking for Tank. When I find him he takes me into his office (shit, his office??) and tells me that the funeral home is hiring a new girl (Yay, a girl, and she's cute even) that I am to train. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!
9:00 Get all the service stuff scheduled for the new family and the casket ordered.
10:00-ish help Jane finish up the embalming
10:30 a few more calls for other services, and my day is DONE!

Huh, it seems like there was something else I was going to mention, but I suppose I can just add that later. I will also post about this new hot chick that I will soon be training.