Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I'm sorry

I don't really know what to say. Thanks for the emails to those of you that wrote to make sure I'm alive.

I am in a funk I guess.  I've been busy at work, lots of co-workers have been vacationing so the few of us that haven't taken off are picking up the slack.

My family relationships (or lack thereof) have been getting to me more than usual.  My sister (the one that watches Clem) asked me not to come to her baby's dedication at church a few weeks back, and while I understand her perspective (she doesn't want me to have any spiritual influence on her daughters), it hurts quite a bit.  We had a good talk that day, I listened to her concerns and didn't argue, and I tried really hard not to cry in front of her, but it didn't work.  I tear up even just typing about it.

My ex has moved away.  For now Clem spends one week with me and one with him and we are switching off like that all summer.  She is with him this week, and I miss her terribly at times. I took her to her dad's on father's day, and drove back home in time to have dinner at my parents' house.  I felt so out-of-place, but I realize it's a position I've put myself in. I had no child, no partner, and I felt like less of a daughter to my dad because I know how hard the whole process of me breaking up with my spouse and then dating someone of the same sex has been on him, and I wonder if I'm ever going to feel like his girl again. I am terrified.

I don't mean to make this a total downer post, I have been having fun, I just feel like I am starting to adjust and sometimes it gets overwhelming.  I'm one of those people that hopes.  I hope a lot.  I expect a lot too. I find myself expecting the things I have hoped, and that's where I find trouble.  I had hopes for my relationship with J in regards to my family. I still do, and I think it's those expectations that tend to get me down. I want them to see what I see, you know? I want them to understand. And I know they aren't the ones to blame, and I try so hard to tell myself that they only want what's best for me, and being with J isn't what they believe is best, but I just feel so alone without them sometimes, and it has been hard.

So, thanks for listening. I promise another post (about sewing mouths shut) soon.

11 comments:

homesliceva said...

don't apologize. it's a ton to go through. and i hear you loud and clear. some of my friends have been unable to hang with me through all of this - and it's hard to forgive yourself, or cut yourself some slack because, as you said, "you chose this". i've written a lot about that choice. while it is a choice, it doesn't suck any less. so write away, my friend.

8thdayplanner said...

I have only been reading your blog for a short while so I don't know enough to really comment on your situation. But generally I find that these family hurdles just need time for everyone to make the necessary adjustments. And please know that I feel your sadness and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Alex@LateEnough said...

good to see you back. families sometimes suck.
awhile back i was complaining to a good friend of mine:

Me: my familly thinks i'm weird. im bizzare
Her: So what? Be the weird one.

Because i'm happier as the weird one then when I was trying to fit in. So maybe you can just be the weird one. and maybe get some more family of choice instead of so much family of origin

Miss Anne said...

{{{YOU}}}

time will heal all of this...
family's come around... trust me on this one.

i want you to make sure to remember all of the little joys you do have in your life each day.

you shine *{brightly}*.

~on the edge of my seat for the mouths being sewn shut story~

IT said...

Hey, it's a period of adjustment...

for everyone.

I'm sure there are some family members who accept it all at face value and don't judge, probably because they had similar experience.
Trust me when I say that no dad wants to see his little girl hurting. But sometimes he's quite sure how a situation should be approached.

IT said...

Oh yeah... and it's good to see you on the interwebby still.

AnUndertaker'sDiaries said...

Don't know ya, but wanna reach out and give you a hug.
Live for yourself and no one else!! Its YOUR life. YOUR choices. YOUR mistakes and YOUR lessons to learn.
Don't be terrified of what other people may think of you or your decisions because they're YOUR decisions to make.

A very good friend of mine always says, "what other people think of you is none of your business" ~

AnUndertaker'sDiaries said...

P.s. I would rather be the "weird" one too ~ ;)
Chin up!

Jenn said...

I agree with what everyone else said. It takes time for everyone to adjust; and, yes, you may feel like the "weird one" for a while, but eventually they "weird" becomes the norm and life goes on.

I'm Jane said...

Summer totally sucks from a custody perspective. My daughter is with my Ex for most of the summer. He gets the fun time and I get the school time. Go figure. I can understand how hard it is to come home to unsettling quiet.

This too shall pass.

Amanda said...

(hug)