I tried to make it less wordy with the photos

Mother's Day was a bit different this year.

On Saturday I dropped Clem off at her dad's, they were going to take a trip to see his parents for the night and come back Sunday afternoon so I could have her for Mother's Day dinner at my moms. She arrived at my mom's around 3, and to my surprise her dad had bought a card for her to give me. She had written "mommy" (see photo) and even signed her name inside, getting quite good for a three-year-old, if I do say so myself.

She was excited to be at my parent's house, and told everyone "Happy Mother's Day" when they started arriving. My sister's oldest daughter woke up from her nap shortly after Clem got there, and they played outside while my sisters and I cooked dinner. We had decided to make pasta with three different sauces, and mine turned out really well.  It's a sauce that I invented years and years ago, and just to be nice I'll share it with you here.  Keep in mind that I don't like tomatoes, so when I say you'll like this pasta even if you don't like tomatoes, I am telling the truth. Also, I was making enough for a lot of people, so, you might want to cut the recipe in half.  I made two batches of it, as my sisters thought we might need more, and even with just half of the half I was making at a time, it's enough for a few people. Also, I should mention that it is quite garlic-y.

Start with some olive oil in a frying pan, not much, and it needs to be a bit hot.  Add four gloves of garlic, finely minced, and stir until it gets crispy (but not charred). It will start to stick together.

Turn the heat way down and wait a minute before adding about three-quarters cup of a dry white wine (I use pinot grigio because that's the one I always have) and turn the heat back up to simmer the alcohol out of the wine and get the garlic flavor into the liquid.  Keep stirring.

After that has cooked a while I added a half can of stewed tomatoes, finely chopped, along with the juice in the can.  I know, to tomato people it sounds gross to not use fresh ones (which I'm sure can be substituted here), and to non-tomato people it sounds gross because they're (disgusting) tomatoes, but I promise, they're yummy.  Stir and keep cooking for a while (like 5 minutes) and add salt and pepper to taste.

I know, it kind of looks like vomit, but it really is good.  The last thing to do is add a little bit of butter, like a tablespoon, and stir it up really well.  It's a very runny sauce, and it works very well for dipping breadsticks in, and is, by far, my favorite pasta sauce.

So, dinner was very yummy, and dessert was good too, and it was nice to hang out a bit.  Neither of my sisters or I have been talking much lately, since the whole "leaving the hubby for another woman" thing, but yesterday seemed a bit better than it has. Clem was quite a good girl, and my mom asked me if I thought she would want to stay the night at her house last night.  I feel like she used to stay there a lot, and lately she doesn't get to as much, whether it's because she stays with her dad half the time, or that I just like having her at home with me, or some other reason I haven't even thought of, I don't know, but when I asked Clem if she wanted to she was excited and said yes.  As soon as the middle sister heard what was going on I heard her say to my mom (with her voice full of disgust), "On mothers day???" and I immediately wanted to leave.  I mean, I get it that I'm making the wrong choices in her mind. I get it that she thinks only awful mothers would let their daughter stay the night at their grandparents' house on this holiest day of a mother's year. I get it that she wants mom to know she thinks I'm making the wrong choices. But I wish that she could get a few things from my perspective. I wish she knew how it felt to be a single parent when you're married. Does she understand what that's like? To feel like the only one taking care of an infant? To feel like it's a fight to the death to keep sane and breastfeed and change all the diapers and make dinner and clean the house and get thin and bring the baby to see the family, etc. She can't possibly. She's married to Mr. Mom. He does it all. Laundry, diapers, feedings, work, love, time, all of it.  Does she know what it's like to feel like you aren't a priority? Or that you're in the way? Or that you're an embarrassment? How could she? And really, I sound like a bitch and I don't mean to (completely), because I don't want her to know that. I want her to have it the way she does. But I want her to see that it wasn't that way for me. I want her to see that I didn't leave a perfect and happy home.  I didn't leave so that I could be happy, I left so that I could just not me miserable, and stop feeling like I've failed at getting love.  And it's hard for me. And terrifying. And I know that I sound like I am completely ungrateful of my ex and think he did it all wrong, and that's not entirely the truth. He had a good job, and I didn't have to worry about money. I had all of the "things" I wanted, but he was missing what I needed.  I needed help, and I needed attention, and I needed love, and I needed time.

I was thinking last night at the Mother's Day dinner table how I used to want kids.  I wanted a few of them.  I wanted them right away when I married, but we waited. I wasn't one of those people that loves children, but I knew I would love my own, and I wanted them so badly.  Then I had Clem and it all changed. I was depressed. I was tired. I was sad. Every morning until she was five months old and I finally called my aunt to tell her I just wanted to die and she had me go down right then and get on some meds I would think to myself, "this is the end of my life, I won't make it through this" and I knew, kids aren't for me.  I didn't think I'd even make it to see Clem enter kindergarten, let alone ever want to have another one of these things that just take. so. much. work. I was done. The mother I wanted to be for so long was like a fairy tale. I didn't even mourn her loss.

So, now I sit here at my work computer, and I feel like complete crap about my sister and how judged I feel, and I just think, I gave up wanting more children because of the support I didn't receive from my ex, what am I going to have to give up because of my family? I don't know if I think it's hopeless to believe they will ever accept me being with a woman, and I'm trying to not dwell on that, but I just wish I could tell them how hard it is for me. And sometimes I wonder how I am supposed to get through it without them.

How did you meet the person you had an affair with? Male or Female? And how did your husband find out? Duration?

Okay, so I've been wondering how much detail I should go into about this one, and I figure I don't *actually* know most of the readers of my blog, so I might as well tell you guys everything.

I met her at church. She's the girl I've blogged about before. It's kind of strange, the whole situation, I mean, she's a girl which is a bit different, and I met her at church, which isn't really the best place to meet someone that you end up having an affair with, etc.

The hubby found out because the girl I was having the affair with told someone at church, and that person told the pastor, who eventually told my husband. I know I probably should have been the one to tell him, but I couldn't. I tried a few times before anyone even found out (although I am sure he knew anyway), and just couldn't bring myself to say it. I was a total chicken about it, partly because I was scared of what he would say/do (not that I think he would have hit me or something like that, but I knew he would make me leave and I didn't want to leave my daughter), and partly because for as much as I wanted out of the relationship, I still cared and didn't want to hurt him. Anyway, it was a bit of a mess for a while, as you know I lived with my parents and he and I aren't together any longer.

I haven't known her for long, but she and I are still together. We are having a blast, and I feel lucky, you know? I feel loved.

Every now and then it's hard though, my relationship with my family is strained, and I recognize it's my fault. My daughter stays with me in my new place every other night, and she seems to be doing okay. It's especially hard when she asks why I don't love her daddy any more, and I try to tell her that I do love him, I just don't want to live with him. How do you tell that to a child? I wonder if I've screwed up everything for her future. But I also wondered that when I was with her dad. I mean, I don't want to model a mediocre marriage to her, but I also don't want her to have this broken home.

It's also hard because J (my girlfriend) and I have left our church. This is the church that I have considered "home" since I was 14. A lot of the people there I have known since I was a child. J had been going there for about 2 years, and her best friend is no longer talking to her. We've gone to another church a few times, but they aren't accepting of our lifestyle any more than our old church, so we know we can't stay there either.

Anyway, that's the story.

Ask me anything

Completely personal

So, I’ve been living with my parents the last few weeks, and I found a two bedroom apartment for me and Clem that I can move into this week. The hubby has been really good to me, not seeming angry or vengeful, which has been a relief. He and I switch off with Clem, and even though I don’t like when she’s away, I don’t worry about her when she’s with her dad. He finally told his parents this weekend, and I don’t really know what they had to say, other than suggesting that we get a legal separation asap.

I am beginning to feel better about the situation, although I miss some of the friends that I feel like I’ve lost, and I don’t quite feel “at home” with my parents and sisters. I have a few friends that have been really great though, and even though I get a bit depressed sometimes, I feel like I most likely won’t die of all of it.

The owner for the funeral home has treated me really well, and offers (horrible but appreciated) advice to me all the time. Actually, I’ve come to realize that he, along with my manager, are great listeners, and neither one of them has made me feel judged in this whole thing, and I find myself being completely honest with both of them (which is quite a feat for me).

The rest of the office has also been nice, but less serious. They refuse to call me by my married name, and now are calling me by my maiden name, even though I have no intention of changing my name back any time soon, and the other day played me a version of Taps, complete with a military salute, for the “death of my marriage” as they so nicely put it. It sounds kinda shallow and cold, but I laughed with them and said thanks.

Going into detail

So, I had an affair.

Everyone seems to be very helpful, I keep getting calls from church people that want to know if I need/want to talk.  I don't.  There's one person I want to talk to and can't, and they wouldn't answer the phone if I called anyway, which I'm sure is for the best.  I ran into the pastor this morning at Starbuck's on my way to work.  He was meeting with a couple of guys that go to the church, and they all said hi and were happy to see me (the guys are buddies of my dad's, and having gone to church there since I was 14 I've known them a long time), and Pastor asked if his wife and I were going to meet up today, which I hope we aren't.  I just don't know what to say anymore, I don't know what to think, I can't trust my feelings nor do I feel like I can trust my mind.

My eyes are puffy from all the crying, I look like shit.  I feel even worse. I'm not even crying for the right reasons.  I don't actually even know why I'm crying.  I miss my daughter, though.  I know that's a good reason, but I also know that I'm not just crying about that, or even crying about what I'm doing to her.  My youngest sister is going to bring my daughter to work for lunch so I can see her today.  How do I not just cry on her?

Yesterday the hubby called me on the phone, angry as hell (understandable) and told me that I was going to have to give up my cell phone last night.  So I knew I had to tell my boss here at work since I'm on call this weekend, and it's hard to be on call without a phone.  The boss was extremely wonderful to me, he pulled me aside and we had a few talks yesterday and have already had a couple today.  Any time he thinks of something that might be helpful he lets me hear it. He said that he would go buy me a cell phone to use for work, and I laughed, thinking how funny that he wants to help solve my problems, but having no clue that the cell phone isn't actually the problem. He even gave me a hug.  I'm not really a hugger, and it was awkward as hell, but it was nice of him to let me cry (not to mention go home early yesterday).  He also said that my manager has been worried lately, as I am just not myself, so I had a talk with him too, and he was nice.  And all of that and I still have my cell phone, LOL.  The boss asked me this morning if I needed money.  I told him no, but thanked him.  He also sad that I was welcome to stay at the funeral home if I wanted to get away from everyone, which I do, but I refuse to sleep here.

So, I'm sorry I'm blabbing it all here, but I really need to let it out and don't want to make my family listen to any more of it.  My parents text me with 'I love you's and are being really great, and I feel bad having messed up and making them suffer with me, not to mention my sisters and friends.  I mean, can you imagine going into detail about an affair with your parents? It's tough. Anyway, that's it.

It feels strange...

So, I'm kinda in a shitty spot.  I might go into detail someday, but for now I'll just tell you a little bit.  As of today I am living with my parents.  I don't know how long I'll live here with them, I have to make some decisions about my marriage that I think will be quite hard.  I've been given the choice of staying in the town I live in now, where my job and family and friends and life are and giving up my daughter half of the time but keeping my freedom while the hubby moves away, or staying with him and moving away from this city and leaving behind any freedoms I've ever had.  I'd like to think that I'm really making a decision for the next few days but the way it looks now I've pretty much made up my mind.  I went to my place to pick up clothes and a toothbrush and stuff and feel like a high school kid again at home with mom and dad.  I've never felt so broken as I do right now, and leaving my daughter crying and telling me that she just needed me as I walked away was the hardest thing ever, but how could I tell her that mommy isn't welcome any more?  I'm sad guys, and I'm confused and broken and scared.