Monday, August 23, 2010

Next on my list...

The thing that sucks about knowing what needs to be done is that every minute you aren’t doing it you feel like a bit of a failure. This is going to be a downer post. Sorry

I can’t really see any way to not need to get a second job. This single parent thing is killing me. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy in a way I’ve never been before, but I’m also very aware of how much money I don’t have, and very aware how little I had to worry about money before. I cant remember ever worrying about money in my life, not even in college when all I had was a part time job, I always knew everything would get paid, and it hasn’t even really been until this week that I started to actively worry about it. Last night was the deal breaker for me; I woke up in the middle of the night and just thought and thought about it. I couldn’t go back to sleep (which has left me exhausted this morning), and realized that a second job is the only solution, as I have bills that I already can’t pay, let alone the ones next month that will add to the ones this month, which added to the ones last month, which fucking sucks. Not only do I not want to work that many hours in a day, just thinking about my daughter and how much I don’t want to be away from her any more than I already have to makes me cry. I worry that she wont ever understand why I had to do it, take her time with me away, and just knowing that I cant get that time back is killing me. I feel like I’ve failed. Where does one even look for a second job? I don’t have a clue. And where does one find child care for nighttime? I doubt that will be easy. Fuck, this is so hard.

3 comments:

Miss Anne said...

Keep your head on, Mama.
You CAN do this.
It will work, have FAITH.

Can J watch her nights you have her and have to work? What about family?

As for pt work.. honey, there's tons of pt work... check craigslist, perhaps as at work now if there are any other hours to pick up or any other FH's that would love your expertise?

I'm thinking of you and sending you ♥ and strength.

You know how to get ahold of me.

xo

IT said...

Um, I can't think of a thing to say that will make you feel better... other than, "This, too, shall pass."

Alex@LateEnough said...

That sucks. I don't have an answer but your daughter will be okay if you take on a second job. Missing you and not being okay are different.

hugs