Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Staring out the window...

I blogged a while back about that guy making his own funeral arrangements because he was dying, remember? Well, he isn’t dead yet. Actually, I’ve wanted to post about him not being dead yet but have thought that I didn’t want to jinx him by doing so (I’m a bit terrified that I am going to come into work tomorrow and he will have died). Anyway, in true me fashion, I’m going to blog about *my* feelings and *my* thoughts about this man, instead of blogging about what his immanent death might be doing to *his* thoughts and feelings, as I don’t know him, nor do I think it would be appropriate to ask him if I did.

The hospital he told me he’d be at is just up the street. I can see it through the window here at my desk. It’s the hospital where I was born, and it is the hospital in which many people die, including, at some future date, my pre-arrangement leukemia man. In the post I mentioned wanting to visit him in the hospital, he was supposed to check himself in sometime in early February, and I still want to. I don’t think I want to talk to him, just maybe go poke my head in while he’s asleep, or ask a nurse if there’s anything I can get him that he might need (maybe some delicious French fries, I know that I’d want some if I were stuck, dying in a hospital), just so I can see him alive again. I’m not sure why, but I just don’t want the next time I see him to be when he’s dead. I want to know when his daughter turns 18. What if he doesn’t make it (he didn’t think he would)? What if he does? How will I know? I have instructions to not call her when he dies, a friend of his will tell her, so I don’t have a way of knowing. Why does it bother me so much? Argh. I’m so confused…

8 comments:

Alex said...

Since you know him as both living and (eventually) dead and I imagine most people you meet are already dead or related to the dead, maybe it's more surreal? Maybe you have the desire to see him again and know about his 18 year old daughter to feel less like you are ONLY apart of his death?
PS. I'm just making this up, but I think that it sounds good. And could even be true. LMK

Miss Anne said...

It's because you care. You're genuine. I say go visit him. It might make a world of difference to him.

HomeSlice said...

i also think a visit might be good. if nothing else, every bit of kindness helps - especially when it comes from basically a stranger :-)

RIC-Girl said...

I agree..I think you should go visit him. Even if you aren't comfortable talking with him, check with the nurses, etc as you stated. There definitely aren't enough kind deeds done in this world today. If you could bring a smile to his face or bring a bit of happiness to his life, I say do it!

IT said...

Yeah, visit.
But don't wear your work clothes. That might give the impression that you're getting impatient.

Doll Face said...

Argh. I was *sure* you guys would tell me that visiting him would be a bad/creepy/inappropriate idea and I'd feel better about not going. I mean, I'M A MORTICIAN, folks. I'm so scared that he's gonna think I'm way outta line.

But maybe I'll just look at him. Or leave a card that I don't sign...

Alex- I think your theory sounds good, but honestly, I have no idea.

Miss Anne- you're always so sweet. BTW, Clem asks about you every day, I still have your I'm-gonna-be-a-mommy gift, and she says, "mom, can't we just *drive* it to Miss Anne's house? She would love us to do that, I just know. *And* she has a J too, mom! I could give her some bubbles and we could play with them outside so we don't mess up their house." She goes on and on...

HS- You're right.

RIC- You're right, too.

IT- I thought the *exact* same thing. Do you ever wonder if we might me related???

IT said...

Related?
Wouldn't that be ironic?

Doll Face said...

You have no idea...