Monday, May 10, 2010

I tried to make it less wordy with the photos

Mother's Day was a bit different this year.

On Saturday I dropped Clem off at her dad's, they were going to take a trip to see his parents for the night and come back Sunday afternoon so I could have her for Mother's Day dinner at my moms. She arrived at my mom's around 3, and to my surprise her dad had bought a card for her to give me. She had written "mommy" (see photo) and even signed her name inside, getting quite good for a three-year-old, if I do say so myself.


She was excited to be at my parent's house, and told everyone "Happy Mother's Day" when they started arriving. My sister's oldest daughter woke up from her nap shortly after Clem got there, and they played outside while my sisters and I cooked dinner. We had decided to make pasta with three different sauces, and mine turned out really well.  It's a sauce that I invented years and years ago, and just to be nice I'll share it with you here.  Keep in mind that I don't like tomatoes, so when I say you'll like this pasta even if you don't like tomatoes, I am telling the truth. Also, I was making enough for a lot of people, so, you might want to cut the recipe in half.  I made two batches of it, as my sisters thought we might need more, and even with just half of the half I was making at a time, it's enough for a few people. Also, I should mention that it is quite garlic-y.

Start with some olive oil in a frying pan, not much, and it needs to be a bit hot.  Add four gloves of garlic, finely minced, and stir until it gets crispy (but not charred). It will start to stick together.
Turn the heat way down and wait a minute before adding about three-quarters cup of a dry white wine (I use pinot grigio because that's the one I always have) and turn the heat back up to simmer the alcohol out of the wine and get the garlic flavor into the liquid.  Keep stirring.
After that has cooked a while I added a half can of stewed tomatoes, finely chopped, along with the juice in the can.  I know, to tomato people it sounds gross to not use fresh ones (which I'm sure can be substituted here), and to non-tomato people it sounds gross because they're (disgusting) tomatoes, but I promise, they're yummy.  Stir and keep cooking for a while (like 5 minutes) and add salt and pepper to taste.
I know, it kind of looks like vomit, but it really is good.  The last thing to do is add a little bit of butter, like a tablespoon, and stir it up really well.  It's a very runny sauce, and it works very well for dipping breadsticks in, and is, by far, my favorite pasta sauce.
So, dinner was very yummy, and dessert was good too, and it was nice to hang out a bit.  Neither of my sisters or I have been talking much lately, since the whole "leaving the hubby for another woman" thing, but yesterday seemed a bit better than it has. Clem was quite a good girl, and my mom asked me if I thought she would want to stay the night at her house last night.  I feel like she used to stay there a lot, and lately she doesn't get to as much, whether it's because she stays with her dad half the time, or that I just like having her at home with me, or some other reason I haven't even thought of, I don't know, but when I asked Clem if she wanted to she was excited and said yes.  As soon as the middle sister heard what was going on I heard her say to my mom (with her voice full of disgust), "On mothers day???" and I immediately wanted to leave.  I mean, I get it that I'm making the wrong choices in her mind. I get it that she thinks only awful mothers would let their daughter stay the night at their grandparents' house on this holiest day of a mother's year. I get it that she wants mom to know she thinks I'm making the wrong choices. But I wish that she could get a few things from my perspective. I wish she knew how it felt to be a single parent when you're married. Does she understand what that's like? To feel like the only one taking care of an infant? To feel like it's a fight to the death to keep sane and breastfeed and change all the diapers and make dinner and clean the house and get thin and bring the baby to see the family, etc. She can't possibly. She's married to Mr. Mom. He does it all. Laundry, diapers, feedings, work, love, time, all of it.  Does she know what it's like to feel like you aren't a priority? Or that you're in the way? Or that you're an embarrassment? How could she? And really, I sound like a bitch and I don't mean to (completely), because I don't want her to know that. I want her to have it the way she does. But I want her to see that it wasn't that way for me. I want her to see that I didn't leave a perfect and happy home.  I didn't leave so that I could be happy, I left so that I could just not me miserable, and stop feeling like I've failed at getting love.  And it's hard for me. And terrifying. And I know that I sound like I am completely ungrateful of my ex and think he did it all wrong, and that's not entirely the truth. He had a good job, and I didn't have to worry about money. I had all of the "things" I wanted, but he was missing what I needed.  I needed help, and I needed attention, and I needed love, and I needed time.

I was thinking last night at the Mother's Day dinner table how I used to want kids.  I wanted a few of them.  I wanted them right away when I married, but we waited. I wasn't one of those people that loves children, but I knew I would love my own, and I wanted them so badly.  Then I had Clem and it all changed. I was depressed. I was tired. I was sad. Every morning until she was five months old and I finally called my aunt to tell her I just wanted to die and she had me go down right then and get on some meds I would think to myself, "this is the end of my life, I won't make it through this" and I knew, kids aren't for me.  I didn't think I'd even make it to see Clem enter kindergarten, let alone ever want to have another one of these things that just take. so. much. work. I was done. The mother I wanted to be for so long was like a fairy tale. I didn't even mourn her loss.

So, now I sit here at my work computer, and I feel like complete crap about my sister and how judged I feel, and I just think, I gave up wanting more children because of the support I didn't receive from my ex, what am I going to have to give up because of my family? I don't know if I think it's hopeless to believe they will ever accept me being with a woman, and I'm trying to not dwell on that, but I just wish I could tell them how hard it is for me. And sometimes I wonder how I am supposed to get through it without them.

9 comments:

Miss Anne said...

A) It's NONE of your SISTER's business where Clem stayed on Mother's day. That was between your daughter and your mom and you. She needs to butt OUT.

B) You made the RIGHT choice for YOU. If she was a good sister she would love you unconditionally and see how unhappy you were before. (Not saying your ex was a bad guy, sometimes things just dont work)

C) YOU are a GOOD Mom. YOU are a GOOD person. YOU are a GOOD partner.

Keep YOUR head held high, and let your sister make herself miserable judging a life she's never walked in.

She gets two thumbs down for me.

P.s. keep the family around, trust me.

xoxo

Doll Face said...

Oh, Miss Anne. You're such a sweetheart, and I love you. And I know my sister has good intentions, and I know that what she knows is right and what I know is right are different things, and I understand how that is going to be a hard thing. And she is a good sister, and I know she wants what's best for Clem, but I want her to see that I want what's best for Clem too, and it just sucks that we see those things differently.

IT said...

"...and I feel like complete crap..."

I'd like to help fix that. Just repeat to yourself that you are not responsible for how other people feel. That's true. The converse of that is that they aren't responsible for how you feel. But that doesn't mean you can't blame them.

Nice pictures, BTW. Garlicky sounds good.

Amanda said...

First... I'm trying the sauce soon because it sounds absolutely fab. I love tomatoes, yes, but I love garlic more and this sauce starts with tons of it.

Second... People suck. Even good people. Even great people. Even the people we love. I'm sorry your sister made you feel bad though. Differences of opinion suck too. (Yes, I'm quite proud of the eloquence displayed here... : /)

Third... I've been told that things shouldn't be listed or numbered unless there are at least three of them. Chin up, Dollface. I like you.

Doll Face said...

IT- Maybe at our next get-together I can make the food. Isn't that what women are supposed to do...cook?

Amanda- It really is one of the best foods ever. I'm fairly certain that God eats it regularly. And I like you, too.

IT said...

Just open a bag of crunchy Cheetos and give me some handi-wipes.

Oh, and women are supposed to do whatever they want

Melissa said...

Silver threads and golden needles cannot mend this heart of mine....

I would give anything to be able to spend a Mother's Day with my grandma again, but I can't because she's gone. In my family Mother's Day was about grandmas too.

jessicamichelle said...

My husband moved out in 2009 after a one year marriage since 2008. I was paying to support him (which was the plan) but he helped with nothing and since it was right after college, all of my friends had moved away and I was completely isolated. My family was unsupportive, thinking I didn't try hard enough, not realizing that he was the one who said he didn't want to try. I can't say if he said that out of fear or because he thought he couldn't be what I wanted, but either way, he didn't try. He didn't fight. He continued to be stalker-ish at times, started talking to other women who knew me, etc and still I was the one who was wrong. I didn't tell many of my friends because I knew they wouldn't want to hear bad things about him (because they are his friends too) and now that I'm dating someone else almost 6 months after our divorce is final, one year after he moved out, they think that I'm insensitive and making poor judgment calls. They're also questioning whether or not I care about him and the origins of my new relationship. It's ridiculous. They didn't want to get involved when it was going wrong and didn't want to "pick sides" but now I'm wrong for everything. I care very deeply about my ex. I struggle with not speaking to him and checking on him because he doesn't have a lot of people in life that he's close to, but frankly, it's my life and I'm not married. You'd think your friends and family would be happy that you're not lying in bed crying over the divorce and wanting to die.

You're being a good mom. I would still love to spend the night at my grandmother's house and spend every Mother's Day with both her and my mom. Don't question you. I know how hard it is not to have their support when you want them around.

Doll Face said...

Thanks, guys. It's nice to not feel so alone about it all.