Monday, October 28, 2013

Long night

The list from last week? Yeah, I only did one of those things, organize Clem's party. So of course, it is raining today and my windshield wipers aren't working.

My gal and I had a fight last night. There was even yelling. We never have yelling. My eyes are all puffy and I could use a hug. Well, that and a nap. I slept horribly.

I had Clem's parent-teacher conference on Friday. She got all As and her teacher said that other than talking too much, she's doing very well. Apparently, she's just like her mother.

That's really all I've got for today.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Is it really only Tuesday?

So, I'm feeling a lot less depressed.

I had services last week for a 15 year old girl that died. Her parents hadn't been together for a long time, and they don't get along at all, so I was the go-between. They each came in to arrange services separately, and each party had their own visitation/funeral for their daughter. Very odd. Everything went smoothly though, and both the mother and the father complimented the Kid and myself with how wonderfully it went. They both also told me that they were grateful for me dealing with their ex so that they didn't have to. Honestly, they were both pleasant, so it didn't bother me really, except for the extra time. Whatever.

These are my goals this week today:
1. organize a price list for all the funeral programs. Do not stop until it makes sense and looks pretty.
2. get new windshield wipers. My car is suffering. It also needs a bath.
3. organize Clem's 7th birthday party.
4. find and order some cute suspenders.
5. grocery shopping! I don't know why I avoid doing that on weekends when I have time to.

So, we'll see if I can kick it into gear and get stuff done.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013


The sun still isn't out.

I'm still kinda down.

I was going to do a lot more with my day than what I've done so far.

I need to just go back to bed.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Short little post

I'm a bit bored today. I don't have any services, so I'm just doing paperwork and it's starting to make me tired. Also, the sun isn't shining today, it's overcast and somewhat gloomy, which makes me feel kinda down.

I got a new tattoo last Sunday and it finally doesn't itch much anymore. It's on the inside of my left arm, and I really like it. I have to go back to get it shaded and it's everything I can do to not want to have him do the shading and start on a new one at the same time. Grrr, they are so addicting.

Clementine is in first grade now. Can you believe? She's a total sass-mouth, but is also fairly sweet. Interestingly, she is into death more than other kids her age, an just the other day she pulled one of her Barbies out of its casket and said, "Look mom, isn't she so well embalmed?" Quite funny.  Her dad and I get along well, he lives close to me, and Clem seems to like that we are still a close family.

Okay, that's all I got right now.

Thursday, October 3, 2013


It amazes me how many people find this site using search terms like "butt plug" "anal leakage" "orifice sewing" and so on. Apparently people wonder about that often enough to ask Google.

So, today I will be putting a deceased gentleman in a casket. The coroner estimates that he was dead for approximately four days before he was found in his bedroom, in a house without air conditioning. He is so bad that the family had to hire a trauma scene clean up team to clean the room. Pretty gross.

The family still wanted him embalmed, so I had to explain to them that I couldn't embalm him the way I normally would, but instead I would have to just let the embalming fluid seep into his tissues (like I do with fetuses) and let it do it's job that way. Well, after seeing the condition of this guy's remains, I'm fucking grateful that I told the family he'd have to be embalmed that way. I knew I was in for it when the smell hit me after he was brought in from the coroner's office. He was in a disaster pouch (it's like a heavy-duty body bag), and it really doesn't contain smells too well. So, I get a sheet ready and the Kid opens up the bag so I could lay the sheet on him. Let me just say, it has been quite a while since I've seen that much decomposition. I think I gagged three times. It really is the worst smell imaginable. So, I lay the sheet on him, his chest cavity was all open and exposed (when decomposition starts the gas build-up in the tissues becomes too great, while the tissues are getting weaker, and they just kinda pop), and his face was hardly even there. It was horrible. So, then we pour bottles of high-index (strong) embalming fluid on the sheet, close the bag and put him back in the fridge.

Today we will put him in his casket and he'll have a Rosary, then tomorrow Carlos and I will take him to Mass, then to the cemetery. I just hope no one notices the smell.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


So, I am no longer a Rotary Club virgin. The Kid took me to my first meeting today in the town where he works. Actually, a man from a service that he and I worked together a couple of weeks ago invited me to the one in the town where I work, and I have that one on Thursday, so I'm going to end up having gone to two this week. I'll end up joining the one here in the town I'm in, but I'm glad to have had company that I know today, because I figure Thursday will be awkward since I don't yet know any of the people. I'm just happy it wasn't as cult-y as I thought it would be.

I had a service yesterday, but it wasn't very exciting. I mean, it was Mass, how exciting could it be?

Also, I got a bunch of new clothes today. Super cute.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Question from 8thday

I was wondering - do you know what the percentage is of people using churches vs. funeral homes for their funerals? And has that percentage changed over the years? It seems like the vast majority of services I attend are now done (non-religiously) right in the funeral home. But that might be a product of who I am and where I live.

I really wish I had an answer for you, but it's hard for me to figure out. I mean, I suppose that the families that choose to have services tend toward their own church, but I have seen an increase in the number of chapel services, and I have had families ask for the chapel specifically because they wanted something non-religious. Part of the reason I don't feel like I can accurately answer you though, is that the last job I had was in a fairly large city, and larger cities tend to be less religious, therefore making the church services less popular. Before that I was in a smaller farming community, and they are traditional as anything, so they are more likely to use churches (and also more likely to choose burial instead of cremation, which also means they are more likely to have services of any kind). Does that clear anything up?

Bored yet busy

I'm stuck in the office today. I have been all by myself most of the day, which is nice, but I'd kill to be on a service (well, not literally). I am actually getting things done though, so I'm glad for that. Since the office I'm running is new there are a ton of little organizational things that I need to do, and I did some of those today. The Kid has too many families right now and seems really stressed, so I am helping him as much as I can. At least it gives me something to do, even if it is super-secretarial.

So, I know that isn't much, but at least it's something.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

In which I am covered in blood

Okay, so the prep room that I am using belongs to a funeral home that already has a full staff. There are two older embalmers, both almost 70 (one of whom is retiring next month), and both male. They have a problem with women, from what I have gathered, specifically ones in power (their boss) and ones that have a man's job (me). The one that is retiring has been nice to me so far, but the other one, Ralph, seems life somewhat of an asshat. His embalming is pretty poor also. And he doesn't make arrangements with families any longer. He is just generally bothersome (and I don't even have to work with him that often).

There is one redeeming embalmer on staff however, and luckily for me he doesn't have issues with women in his prep room. He is a super-young kid (25), just finished his apprenticeship like, this summer, and has worked for the funeral home for almost two years. Barb really likes him, he does most of the work in that place, and he's been the most helpful to me so far (although, I am comparing him to two men that I doubt will ever be of much use to me).

So, when I first started he was given the task of showing me the embalming room and supplies in it that I would need to use, and I let him know that I wasn't familiar with the type of embalming machine they had, so if he was going to embalm I wanted to be there, to watch him. He said that he would let me know, and last week there was a case to be embalmed, so I went over to help him out. We got everything ready, and began injecting, and I told him that I usually don't open the vein right away to drain the blood. Jane never did, and I got used to doing it that way (is it possible to be superstitious about embalming because I feel like cases turn out better when I do that...). Okay, I go to cut the vein open, and I'm standing at this man's head (the deceased, not my coworker, lol), and as I do so his blood goes everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE. There is blood all over my smock, on my shoes, on my legs, on my shirt, all over the floor, everyfuckingwhere. The kid turns off the machine, and I just kind of stand there. I mean, wtf? I. was. covered. (okay, I might be exaggerating, but it really was everywhere) So, I go over to a  table and take off my smock and shirt (keep it glean, guys, I had a tank on underneath), put on a clean smock and wipe off my shoes and legs, and wash my arms. The kid cleans up the floor, and probably walls too, and after a few minutes we continue embalming.

Needless to say, I'm grateful that the old guys weren't in the room.

Monday, September 23, 2013

New Job

I was approached by a colleague a couple of months ago. She manages a funeral home in a town not far from where I was working and she asked me if I would come manage a new funeral home for her that she was planing on opening in another little town near the one she currently works in. Now, I'm not sure how many other people she must have asked to take this job (in my mind I was like, the last pick from ten people that turned her down, but I'll never know because who really wants to know that kind of stuff), but I said yes. Actually, I told her I had to think about it and discuss it with Clem and all, and, from her reaction, she was quite surprised that I had to think about it. Anyway, I ended up saying yes, and put in my two weeks at Former Funeral Home, where it wasn't hard to leave due to staffing changes that have taken place over the past couple of years (and yes, I am sorry to have not posted at all during that time).

So, the new place is great. My boss, Barb, is a kick-ass lady. She's adorable. I think she's 50, and she and her husband, Arthur, are very kind. She has been in this business for years and is an asset to the industry. They have four kids that are all grown, and one of them works in the funeral home that Barb runs. The place that I am in is just a store front. There isn't a chapel or an embalming room or anything. Barb is looking for land to buy so that she can build from the ground up here in this town, so for the time being I will embalm at the other location (it's just a ten minute drive away), and we will use their chapel for viewings and services also, if the family we are handling services for doesn't have a church they want to use. There's a guy that I have in the office working with me, Carlos, and for now he is fairly useless, but, in the future, once he learns what he's doing (he's never worked in this industry before, but knows everyone in this town) he should be helpful. I'm sure I'll end up talking about him more, as he's going to be annoying, for sure, and he already treats e as a glorified secretary.