Going into detail

So, I had an affair.

Everyone seems to be very helpful, I keep getting calls from church people that want to know if I need/want to talk.  I don't.  There's one person I want to talk to and can't, and they wouldn't answer the phone if I called anyway, which I'm sure is for the best.  I ran into the pastor this morning at Starbuck's on my way to work.  He was meeting with a couple of guys that go to the church, and they all said hi and were happy to see me (the guys are buddies of my dad's, and having gone to church there since I was 14 I've known them a long time), and Pastor asked if his wife and I were going to meet up today, which I hope we aren't.  I just don't know what to say anymore, I don't know what to think, I can't trust my feelings nor do I feel like I can trust my mind.

My eyes are puffy from all the crying, I look like shit.  I feel even worse. I'm not even crying for the right reasons.  I don't actually even know why I'm crying.  I miss my daughter, though.  I know that's a good reason, but I also know that I'm not just crying about that, or even crying about what I'm doing to her.  My youngest sister is going to bring my daughter to work for lunch so I can see her today.  How do I not just cry on her?

Yesterday the hubby called me on the phone, angry as hell (understandable) and told me that I was going to have to give up my cell phone last night.  So I knew I had to tell my boss here at work since I'm on call this weekend, and it's hard to be on call without a phone.  The boss was extremely wonderful to me, he pulled me aside and we had a few talks yesterday and have already had a couple today.  Any time he thinks of something that might be helpful he lets me hear it. He said that he would go buy me a cell phone to use for work, and I laughed, thinking how funny that he wants to help solve my problems, but having no clue that the cell phone isn't actually the problem. He even gave me a hug.  I'm not really a hugger, and it was awkward as hell, but it was nice of him to let me cry (not to mention go home early yesterday).  He also said that my manager has been worried lately, as I am just not myself, so I had a talk with him too, and he was nice.  And all of that and I still have my cell phone, LOL.  The boss asked me this morning if I needed money.  I told him no, but thanked him.  He also sad that I was welcome to stay at the funeral home if I wanted to get away from everyone, which I do, but I refuse to sleep here.

So, I'm sorry I'm blabbing it all here, but I really need to let it out and don't want to make my family listen to any more of it.  My parents text me with 'I love you's and are being really great, and I feel bad having messed up and making them suffer with me, not to mention my sisters and friends.  I mean, can you imagine going into detail about an affair with your parents? It's tough. Anyway, that's it.

It feels strange...

So, I'm kinda in a shitty spot.  I might go into detail someday, but for now I'll just tell you a little bit.  As of today I am living with my parents.  I don't know how long I'll live here with them, I have to make some decisions about my marriage that I think will be quite hard.  I've been given the choice of staying in the town I live in now, where my job and family and friends and life are and giving up my daughter half of the time but keeping my freedom while the hubby moves away, or staying with him and moving away from this city and leaving behind any freedoms I've ever had.  I'd like to think that I'm really making a decision for the next few days but the way it looks now I've pretty much made up my mind.  I went to my place to pick up clothes and a toothbrush and stuff and feel like a high school kid again at home with mom and dad.  I've never felt so broken as I do right now, and leaving my daughter crying and telling me that she just needed me as I walked away was the hardest thing ever, but how could I tell her that mommy isn't welcome any more?  I'm sad guys, and I'm confused and broken and scared.

Recap of the decap...

(that was too cute of a title not to use)

So, a while back a guy was in a car accident and was decapitated.  Now, in mortuary school you learn how to repair a decapitation in theory.  The problem with that is though, that while you learn how to embalm a head an body separately, position the head properly, stitch it back on to the body, and cosmetize over the whole mess, it's a bit different in practice.  See, what they don't teach you is how to not freak the fuck out when you are standing there looking at a head that has been severed from a body.  It is very odd, and a bit nauseating.  This guy's head was just off to the side of the embalming table, and it was like my mind was trying to make sense of it, even though I know that he had been decapitated.

He ended up looking great, which in a way sucks ("Look, guys, it doesn't look like he died a tragic, painful, unnecessary death because he drank WAY too much and decided to drive home"), but in a way is nice.  the stitching up took the most time (doesn't it always), followed closely by the cosmetizing afterward.

Another strange thing: I didn't take off the wristband that the bar had given him that night.  It had the name of the club on it, and made it through the accident without a scratch.

In which I am a little freaked out by the casualness of a dying man

I don't make a lot of pre-arrangements here at work.  Not that they aren't common, they are, but we have a pre-need guy on staff that does a lot of them, and I tend to be busy making arrangements or working services for people that have already died, so the pre-arrangements that I do tend to be few and far-between.  It's always nice to do them, though, as I get paid comission on top of being on the clock, but anyway, I need to get to my story.

Yesterday I was getting a case ready for viewing (he was already in the casket, I was just adjusting his make-up) and Tank came in to let me know that there was a walk-in pre-arrangement that he wanted me to take.  I said I'd be there in a minute and asked him to take the gentleman to an arrangement office.  So, I go in to meet this guy and introduce myself, and I notice that he is fairly young for pre-arranging, probably about 45 or so, and I start talking to him about what it is that he wants to do (burial or cremation, pre-paid or not, where his ashes are going, etc) and he tells me that he wants to do everything (sign all his own cremation forms, pre-pay).  So, I am asking him if he wants to pay it all at once or make payments over time (since for someone of his age making payments can work out to be actually cheaper than paying it all at once), and this is what he says: Well, I am checking into the hospital in February and don't plan on coming out, so I think I'd just like to pay you all of it at once if it's okay.  Needless to say, I was a bit speechless.  So, I fumble over a few words and get (somewhat) back to business, but I couldn't help myself, I had to ask him: Why are you dying? HONESTLY FOLKS, I CANNOT BELIEVE I SAID IT.  Wtf? Why are you dying???? Why did I say that??? So, immediately I say: I'm sorry, that was really personal.  But he smiles and tells me that he has leukemia.  It's the worst kind, and chemo is needed for the brain cancer that he now has, and it's just poison so, he is ready to die come February.  He told me that he has a daughter, she isn't yet 18, and that he just doesn't want her to have to deal with any of it.  So, I asked him questions about dying, and he told me that everyone dies, and laughed a little even at the oddness of telling a mortician that everyone dies.  I have to admit, it was quite ironic.  He told me that he was ready to die, and that he just wished he would be around to see his daughter turn 18.

So, he left, and I keep thinking about him.  I want to visit him in the hospital, which is strange.  I am freaked out that he was sitting there with me, chatting about dying and stuff, and in a few months he's gonna be in a box in the refrigerator in the back. Dead.

A little about me

Hi, my name is: Doll Face

but you can call me: if you've got my number

Never in my life have I: liked chocolate

The one person who can drive me nuts is: myself

My high school is/was: fun.  And a bit intoxicated

When I’m nervous: I don't eat

The last song I listened to was: With Everything

My hair is: Tiny and blonde

When I was 4: I only had one sister, and parents and a cat.

Last Christmas: I gave you my heart...

I should be: where I want to be, but I'm at work instead.

When I look down: I wonder why I love this ugly sweater.

The happiest recent event was: something that feels farther away than it should

By this time next year: I will be happier than today.

My current gripe is: not going to get posted here

I have a hard time understanding: why I am given things I can't use

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: J

I want to buy: Jewelry

Where do you plan to visit: I don't know yet...

If you spent the night at my house: I'd offer you a beer

The world could do without: styrofoam

Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: a diet pepsi

Most recent thing someone else bought me: lunch

My middle name is: The same as my Mom's mom's first name

In the morning I: don't like to shower

Last night I was: Tired and emotionally drained

If I was an animal I’d be a: Owl

A better name for me would be: Jane

Tomorrow I am: working.  hard.

Tonight I am: gonna be tired. again.

I wasn't lying

So, the final body count for the month of December: 86

Do you realize how many that is?  I suppose it really isn't that bad if you work at a funeral home that does 2,000 cases a year, but I don't work at a place like that.  we do about 700-800 a year, so that's 20 more bodies than our average on a high year.  Insane.  See, I told you I was busy.

Also, my manager told me yesterday that he had something that he wanted to bring me that I would love.  I laughed and asked what it was and all he would tell me was that it had to do with boobs.  ANyway, he gave me it today, a rubber bracelet that reads, "I *heart* boobies!" Needless to say, I have it on, as it matches my outfit and I do indeed heart boobies.

I'm sorry!!!

Okay, now that I've apologized for the complete negligence of this blog I will update you:

We've been busy.  I've started to write about the decapitation case and haven't had enough time to really get it all down, and it's interesting enough of a topic for me to really want to explain thoroughly.  I promise though, it will get here eventually.

Christmas got in the way.  I spent the holiday with my family, eating way too much (don't worry though, I'm still hot) and not drinking so heavily that my mother had to explain the happenings of the days to me.  It was great.  I got some good loot, as did Clem, and thankfully she didn't complain that mommy and daddy didn't get her anything (we gave her a choice: either we buy gifts for her, or we use that money to buy gifts for two kids that don't have a lot of money this Christmas, and she really wanted to pick out gifts for the other kids, so we didn't get her anything), and Christmas eve and day were very relaxing.  I was on call the next few days, and there were families I came in to the office to meet with, but nothing too dificult or crazy, so even that wasn't bad.  Also, I got a super-cute yellow skirt suit from my mom that is killer, and I can't wait to get it back from the cleaners.

The Mr. and I left for Vegas on the 30th, we stayed for New Year's, and it was great.  We go at least once a year, especially now that we are parents, and a group of our friends from all over the states went as well.  Our plane arrived that afternoon, and the rest of our crew (8 in all) were there by 6pm, so we immediately went for a nice dinner, and continued drinking and gambling until the 2nd when we flew home.  We stay downtown, this time at the Golden Nugget, and the hubby got us a suite as a nice surprise.  The hotel has been redone and looks a lot like one of the hotels on the Strip, but is still a downtown place, and has some good poker tournaments as well. We won a ton, and luckily we left before we had a chance to loose it all.  It really was great.  You should have seen the bed in our room, btw, it was like sleeping on a cloud.

So, that's what I was doing... I've missed you guys!