So, I had an affair.
Everyone seems to be very helpful, I keep getting calls from church people that want to know if I need/want to talk. I don't. There's one person I want to talk to and can't, and they wouldn't answer the phone if I called anyway, which I'm sure is for the best. I ran into the pastor this morning at Starbuck's on my way to work. He was meeting with a couple of guys that go to the church, and they all said hi and were happy to see me (the guys are buddies of my dad's, and having gone to church there since I was 14 I've known them a long time), and Pastor asked if his wife and I were going to meet up today, which I hope we aren't. I just don't know what to say anymore, I don't know what to think, I can't trust my feelings nor do I feel like I can trust my mind.
My eyes are puffy from all the crying, I look like shit. I feel even worse. I'm not even crying for the right reasons. I don't actually even know why I'm crying. I miss my daughter, though. I know that's a good reason, but I also know that I'm not just crying about that, or even crying about what I'm doing to her. My youngest sister is going to bring my daughter to work for lunch so I can see her today. How do I not just cry on her?
Yesterday the hubby called me on the phone, angry as hell (understandable) and told me that I was going to have to give up my cell phone last night. So I knew I had to tell my boss here at work since I'm on call this weekend, and it's hard to be on call without a phone. The boss was extremely wonderful to me, he pulled me aside and we had a few talks yesterday and have already had a couple today. Any time he thinks of something that might be helpful he lets me hear it. He said that he would go buy me a cell phone to use for work, and I laughed, thinking how funny that he wants to help solve my problems, but having no clue that the cell phone isn't actually the problem. He even gave me a hug. I'm not really a hugger, and it was awkward as hell, but it was nice of him to let me cry (not to mention go home early yesterday). He also said that my manager has been worried lately, as I am just not myself, so I had a talk with him too, and he was nice. And all of that and I still have my cell phone, LOL. The boss asked me this morning if I needed money. I told him no, but thanked him. He also sad that I was welcome to stay at the funeral home if I wanted to get away from everyone, which I do, but I refuse to sleep here.
So, I'm sorry I'm blabbing it all here, but I really need to let it out and don't want to make my family listen to any more of it. My parents text me with 'I love you's and are being really great, and I feel bad having messed up and making them suffer with me, not to mention my sisters and friends. I mean, can you imagine going into detail about an affair with your parents? It's tough. Anyway, that's it.
Friday, January 29, 2010
So, I had an affair.